When your busy new mum mind won’t switch off
Understanding ‘overthinking’ and ‘overdoing’ in motherhood.
Last year I was driving somewhere on my own (a rarity as usually there’s at least one child in the back, sometimes more). I’d probably been in the middle of something when I’d had to stop to drop one child in one place and another somewhere else. I was frazzled. My brain was in overdrive trying to remember all of the many things I had to do or plan for the day, week and months ahead. I couldn’t think straight.
I remember stopping the car three times by the side of the road to send a WhatsApp messages or add something to my to do list because if I didn’t do it then and there I would forget it and it would go into the ether and be forgotten.
When I got home I was on edge. My mind was whirring constantly. This isn’t the only time this has happened since having children. And I know I am not alone in having these experiences of feeling like I’m constantly ‘on’.
Why can’t I just relax as a new mum?
Like me, you may also notice that since becoming a mother, you’re somehow always ‘doing’. You’re constantly ‘on’. Always fixing, checking, researching, planning. You rarely rest. Even when your baby is asleep you find your mind is racing and you can’t turn it off.
To everyone else it looks like you’re coping brilliantly. You appear to be organised; ‘on top of everything’. You’ve got all the parenting books, you’ve got all the baby apps, you’re following people on Instagram that claim to be educating you about how you should be parenting your baby.
But on the inside, what you’re really feeling is exhaustion. Sheer exhaustion: your body feels tense and your mind won’t stop. It feels impossible to relax. You find it so difficult to stop the mental ‘chat’ and just be. Your brain is constantly going: Am I doing this right? Should I be doing more? What if I miss something?
Believe me, if this describes you, you are in good company. I was there (I still am at times). And so are many of the women I work with when they become mothers.
I’ll try to help you make sense of why this might be.
Three Emotional Regulation Systems
Paul Gilbert, the founder of Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT), describes how we have three emotional regulation systems that have evolved within us as human beings to help us survive:
1. Threat system
This system helps us detect and respond to danger. It’s the system that protects and exists to keeps us (and our babies) safe. It’s associated with emotions such as anxiety, anger and disgust.
2. Drive system
This system motivates us to pursue goals, achieve, and seek rewards. It’s the dopamine fuelled system.
3. Soothing system
Sometimes called the ‘rest and digest system’, this system allows us to rest, feel safe, and connected. It’s associated with oxytocin (the bonding hormone you’ve probably heard a lot about).
All three of these systems are important and have functions for us as human beings. What’s important is that there’s a balance between all three so that when our threat system is activated we can switch into our Drive System or our Soothing System, either to do something, or to slow down and connect.
When the drive system is overdeveloped
When our drive system is balanced, it helps us stay motivated and focused. But for many of us our drive systems have become overdeveloped and our soothing systems underdeveloped.
Here’s an example:
Amy is a 30 year old new mother. She works as a solicitor. She went to a selective school and got excellent exam results. She worked really hard, and was often praised as a child for her academic success. She went onto study at a top university and later got a training contract with a law firm where she has worked since and been promoted. She’s used to being able to measure her success, and the rewards of this has fuelled her ‘drive system’ which is very well developed.
But when Amy becomes a new mum she struggles to know if she’s ‘doing it right’. Her baby wants to be held constantly, the parenting and baby books don’t seem to fit for what she’s experiencing, she’s getting little direct feedback from her baby to know that she’s doing a ‘good enough’ job. She can’t just ‘work hard’ at this and see success. All the strategies that she’s used previously to manage when she’s felt anxious or overwhelmed just don’t seem to fit. She feels destabilised and doesn’t know what to do.
You might be finding that, like Amy, your drive system is in overdrive.
You’re managing the changes of new motherhood, anxiety and at times, anger, about the lack of predictability and control by doing what you’ve always done: moving into your drive system. Your threat system is telling you “you’re going to mess this up” or “you’re not enough” and so you’re doing a lot of fixing, controlling and planning in the hope that this will make you feel better, safer and calmer.
And so you might notice things like:
You struggle to relax even when you have the chance.
You feel guilty when you’re not productive (“If I can just get everything right, maybe I’ll finally relax”)
You constantly seek reassurance that you’re doing things “right.”
You overthink small decisions or research endlessly (e.g. researching every feeding option before making a decision about how to wean your baby)
It’s not your fault
It’s important to mention that these ways of thinking and experiencing new motherhood aren’t your fault. And you’re definitely not alone. As human beings our nervous systems and brains have evolved to be sensitive to danger. The way you are responding is an understandable adaptation, especially if you’ve lived with high expectations, perfectionism, or environments where achievement was how you earned worth and validation from those caring for you.
Additionally, research has shown that there are a number of physiological and neurological changes that occur in our nervous systems and our brains during pregnancy and in the postnatal period that contribute to a heightened sensitivity to danger and threat. These changes make sense from an evolutionary perspective: it’s likely they have evolved in order for us as mothers to keep ourselves and our babies safe.
But you can learn to balance the systems so that being in drive isn’t the only way of managing.
Developing our Soothing Systems
Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT) invites us to strengthen our Soothing System.
The soothing system is associated with feelings of safety, warmth and connection. It’s underpinned by hormones like oxytocin. When this system is activated, our body slows down: our heart rate steadies, breathing deepens, and the mind becomes more open and less reactive.
It’s not about turning off the drive system. It’s about finding some balance so that we can sooth, rest and digest too.
Here are a few gentle ways to start:
1. Notice which system you are in
Notice the pattern. When you feel anxious or on edge, notice what your mind and your nervous system tends to do. Notice if you move into drive mode. Notice what triggered that response from you.
2. Practice Soothing Rhythm Breathing
Next time you feed your baby, instead of scrolling on your phone or watching Netflix, try deliberately slowing down your breathing.
Try to slow down your breathing in a gentle way so it feels comfortable. Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth gentle and steadily. Breathing in this way can help to start to activate your soothing system.
3. Deliberate slowness
When we have learnt to associate being busy with being safe or being successful, we might need to deliberately practice slowing down and being in the present moment.
Give yourself permission to do one thing slowly and mindfully each day. It could be drinking your morning tea without checking your phone. Taking a few extra seconds to feel your baby’s warmth against you. Or walking a little slower to notice your surroundings. Practicing this can help to keep our attention in the present moment, and slowing down in this way can help activate our soothing system.
Like any new skill it takes practice to learn to access your soothing system. Can you find 1 or 2 minutes each day to do these exercises? It’s always best to start by practicing these techniques at times when you’re not feeling overwhelmed so that you develop the skills to use at times when you most need them.
References:
Gilbert, P (2010) The Compassionate Mind (Compassion Focussed Therapy)
Pearson, Lightman & Evans (2009)
Pritschet, L et al. (2024)
I’m Dr Hannah Levy. As a Clinical Psychologist specialising in parental wellbeing, I have dedicated my career to helping parents navigate their own emotional wellbeing through parenthood, offering support to adjust, cope and manage the bumps along the way.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious or in need of understanding support, I’m here to help.
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